


Too Long I Roam in the Night

by Weddersins



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Canonverse AU, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Ghost Rey, Force Ghost(s), Gen, Grief/Mourning, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Major character death - Freeform, Mysteries of the Force, POV Ben Solo, POV Kylo Ren, POV Rose Tico, Poe Dameron is kind of a jerk, Reylo - Freeform, Rose Tico takes no shit, Wuthering Heights References, canonverse, descriptions of illness, graphic descriptions of wounds, its me of course there's angst, metaphysical, there is pain and peace, this is a ghost story of sorts, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2020-12-31 07:16:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21111317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weddersins/pseuds/Weddersins
Summary: A Reylo ghost story, brought to you by Wuthering Heights; a metaphysical canonverse AU set two years after the events of The Last Jedi.“Too long I roam in the night / I'm coming back to his side, to put it right / I'm coming home to wuthering, wuthering / Wuthering Heights”Wuthering Heights, Kate Bush





	1. on the edge of sleep

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to [ theselittlethings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theselittlethings/pseuds/theselittlethings) for pushing me to finish this story after six months of writer's block, and for fixing all of my dumbass grammar errors. <3
> 
> Please mind the tags. There is no traditional HEA, similarly there is no HEA in it’s inspirational source, however I do feel that at it's end there is a tone of hope.

_“All alone, on the edge of sleep_  
_My old familiar friend_  
_Comes and lies down next to me_  
_And I can see it coming from the edge of the room_  
_Smiling in the streetlight_  
_even with my eyes shut tight, I still see it coming now.”_  
_Breaking Down, Florence + The Machine_

The buzzing was incessant. 

It buried itself in Kylo’s ears, tunneled its way into his brain and made a nest of his memories. A thousand tiny bugs, their dirty feet and gnawing mandibles running over the raw wounds of his mind and infesting the nooks and crannies of his consciousness over and over till Kylo was no longer sure if what remained was still truly himself or simply fragments of the noise. No amount of rumination or self-flagellation could make it stop. It was relentless and unending; the same as the artificial light above him and the unyielding metal of the bench beneath him. 

And in some strange way, it was a relief.

Two thousand hours, a hundred days; a prison of minutes measured in more seconds than he would ever feel like contemplating - it had proven both far too much and not enough of a punishment. Day in, day out, it was all the same for him. 

Sometimes he was sure he no longer possessed the strength to move. Surely the fortitude for action must have fled his bones along with his control of the Force. Other times, he felt strong enough to pull the universe apart.

Of course, he never did.

His world was this wall, this bench, this light, and this noise - a small number of things that he could expand to include anything he could imagine, anything but _ that _ \- 

So instead he focused _ on _ the light, on the noise, on the cold steel of the bench invading his hip-bone and chilling his torso - anything except for the madness that gnawed at him.

A patch of muddy ground managed to break through the wall of static in his brain. Kylo flinched. It was gone in the same heartbeat, a mocking reminder that nothing, not even his mind, was his any longer. 

Three heartbeats in a muddy field had doomed him to hell. 

On that score, there was no doubt remaining. The moment that played every night behind his eyes ensured it. The memories that roared to life when the light was finally gone only reinforced it - when the buzzing stilled and the meager distractions afforded to him in this sterile cell could no longer keep them at bay. 

There was no peace for him. He would trade one torment for another until the day he died.

And it was far, far less than he deserved.

Even without a true sense of the passage of time. Kylo knew the day was waning, as the buzz-filled minutes dwindled to nothingness and the darkness stirred to life. Somewhere in his mind he knew that there were a regimented twelve hours of darkness and twelve hours of light, and neither of them brought him what he truly needed. Both relief and absolution escaped him, and he was in no position to chase after either. 

The sense of dread in his chest grew with each heartbeat, each shallow breath taking him a little closer to that darkness he so craved and feared.

_ Thud, thunk, thud, thunk _ \- the uneven footfalls of one of his jailers blended with the cacophony of insect wings inside his mind. The jarring movements those steps described were easy to identify - a man with a limp. _ The cocky one, _ Kylo thought in despair. Not the girl with the soft voice who occasionally spoke to him - the only voice he had heard in so long.

_ Not her. The pilot. _

The footsteps stopped, ended in a shuffle. There was an electronic beep, the same as every night and every morning. Kylo could almost see the pilot’s face in his mind, twisted into a grimace as he performed a duty he regarded as strictly beneath him. 

_ I knew him once. _

Kylo had known him, but like so many things in his life it was fleeting and the time of friendly reminiscing long since passed. There was nothing left between them, not even the faint recollections of a boyhood spent in trees and hangar bays. No words were exchanged when the pilot flipped the heavy switch, plunging the cell into darkness as it had every day for months.

Months, stretching into eternity. 

Kylo slammed his eyes shut, gritting his teeth and tensing his body as the buzzing left and the silence replaced it, pain flooding the open sores of his mind in anticipation. A heartbeat’s pause and the footfalls moved down the hallway, leaving him alone with his demons.

The door shut with a _ snick _ . Kylo resisted the urge to open his eyes and stare into the blankness. _ Give yourself a little more time _ , something inside him begged. _ Give it just a few minutes - perhaps this time, a few minutes of peace. _

He struggled to remember the last time he truly slept. 

Casting his mind to the sensation of cold metal pressed against his body, Kylo tried to stave off the images he knew would be upon him shortly. He silently begged the unfeeling durasteel to ground him, to keep him tethered to reality instead of the hellscape lurking just out of view. Smooth and cold and hard and strong; let it burrow under his skin instead of simply chilling it, let it turn him into a something as incapable of feeling as the three-meter slab jutting out from the stark wall.

But the whispers were coming, his pleas once again ignored.

It would do no good to fight. 

Kylo had been fighting all his life, and it never brought him anything but pain. But it was not in his nature to surrender, not with the princess’s resolve and the smuggler’s backbone he begrudgingly inherited. And so he struggled against the intrusion into his mind, against the comforting voice telling him to open his eyes, to reach out his hand. _ It's a lie _ , the portion of his soul he still retained snarled at him. _ A lie, don’t give in to it tonight - _

But this night, like all the others, Kylo opened his eyes in the darkness, raised his hand to press it against the wall in front of him.

What greeted him was familiar, a well-worn nightmare. 

Hazel eyes stared back into his own, clouded by the grave. A hand touched his, colder than the metal beneath him. Brown hair, matted with blood, stuck to her forehead and cheeks. He only allowed himself to look at her face and no further - to focus on her eyes, her lips, the dirt-stained tip of her nose. 

The whispers stopped. A pop and whoosh of air around him spanned the miles from where she lay to where he did. 

_ Ben _ , she said, her beautiful voice carrying an undercurrent of rot. _ Don’t leave me. _

_ Don’t leave me. _

_ Don’t leave me. _

The same impossible request every night. 

“I won’t,” Kylo choked out. _ You can’t, _ his mind echoed cruelly. 

The same false promise he couldn’t help but give. 

A smile, then, cracked and broken. A clammy-wet hand in his hair, his dark strands trapped between fingers coated in blood. She ran her hand along his scalp, down to his jawline, ragged nails scratching along the unshaven growth he had acquired, tracing the planes of his face like she had so many times in life.

If he closed his eyes now, he could almost see her alive. Her skin bronzed instead of blue. Her eyes bright and full of life, her lips pliant and not parched, with freckles dotting her nose instead of grave-dirt. 

Her frozen palm rested on his scarred cheek, the puckered skin inexplicably warming.

_ So cold - let me in. _The words barely left her cracked lips, echoing oddly in the durasteel cell Kylo lie inside.

He was helpless to resist. It was never a question when it came to her - not her, never her. Even now. 

Kylo pulled her hand to his lips, kissed the deep wound running across her palm. “Of course. Of course, Rey -” The same useless words, hollow entreaties for time to rewind and for a different mistake to be made. _ Maybe this time it will be different, _ Kylo thinks, _ maybe this time I can - _

Their bond roared to life, and the white-hot pain of that half-healed wound being ripped apart again caused Kylo to recoil. He lost his grasp on her hand, the vision of her corpse slipped into the ether as wet ground rushed up at him, loamy and dark and reeking of death.

He knew what came next, it had come every night - he was no better than a puppet, dancing to the mercurial hand of fate.

Kylo slid into the muck of a battlefield, _ the _ battlefield - blood and gore surrounding him. He staggered to his feet, cape twisting around his ankles in the mire. His eyes rose of their own accord, too slow for action as he watched the red streak of the vibro-blade arching down towards him. A heartbeat, and the shape of an avenging angel and her blue blade glanced it away. 

She rolled to the side, dodged the blade again as it came crashing down a hair’s breadth to her left. 

Kylo’s gloved hand scrabbled frantically for his saber, meet nothing but the empty latch on his belt. He knew from memory that it lay several meters downfield - too far, too late - he could call it, but Rey needed him _ now _ \- 

He raised his hands and pushed with all the strength of the Force in his bones, sent the vibro-blade away from the left side of Rey’s face and the trooper wielding it down into the mire. 

Ducking to dodge a blaster-bolt aimed for his head, Kylo aligned himself and pulled the trooper towards him with a shout - trying desperately to bring the fucking stormtrooper’s attention back to him, only _ him _ \- 

If he could change the focus, he could change the outcome. Kylo began to run, trying to close the two meters left between them -

The soldier stumbled downward, leading Rey to advance - 

_ Too far, too late - _

Kylo heard himself screaming - a word, over and over - 

_ Stop - _

Another red bolt zoomed past his head, buried itself in the ground beside Rey’s left leg. 

As it always had. 

Momentarily distracted, she looked down. 

And it’s just a moment, not even a heartbeat, but it’s enough. 

A sizzle of atmosphere, and Rey’s body is neatly bisected by the vibro-blade, collarbone to pelvis, a gaping hole that immediately welled red and wet through her _ stupid fucking _ sand-rat clothes -

Her name was torn from his throat, an unholy roar.

Rey’s mouth formed a neat circle, her hands grasping the weapon to jerk it away from the soldier before it even left her body. 

A stray red bolt ended the life of that _ fucking _ stormtrooper, one heartbeat too late - 

And Kylo was paralyzed, watching it play out the same way it had every night since the first despite any attempts to change it.

Rey slumped to the ground, wet and muddy and gasping for air. 

Kylo had seen her fall a hundred times now. 

Numb legs closed the distance between them, the useless appendages giving way before he’d reached her. A frantic scramble brought Kylo beside her, kneeling in muck and blood. Torn between wanting to gather Rey into his arms and the knowledge that moving her body would likely speed her end, his hands hovered over her in fearful indecision. 

Rey looked at him with large eyes, mouth opened and panting and grimacing in pain - 

_ Don’t leave me. _

Trembling with uncertainty, Kylo moved his large hands to span the wounds on her torso, trying to close them in blind panic. Blood welled between his gloved fingers and Rey cried out in agony. 

The noise of the battle fell away, though whether the action subsided or moved elsewhere was not for Kylo to say.

His world condensed to the woman at his knees, dying in the mud.

There was a voice in his ears, and it had taken him longer than he cared to admit that it was his own. 

“This wasn't - Rey, this wasn't how it was supposed to end up. This isn't it.” 

Her blood-soaked hand clutched his wrist, her grip strong and sure and - damn him, but it gave him _ hope _. Useless hope, as though every word she said in the next hundred seconds hadn’t already been branded onto his skin.

Kylo tried uselessly to conjure the Force to close her chest, her belly - anything; to keep her alive for a few more moments so the medics could reach them. Surely they weren’t far.

Surely he could do this. 

The power that leapt so easily when it came to destruction skittered away from him then, shied away from his request in open rebellion. 

“Ben,” Rey ground out between gritted teeth, a wet cough spattering bright red over both of them. “Ben, stop.” 

Her tone was gentle. Her words were meant to comfort, not wound, however much they cut him to the quick.

Surrender was not an option.

“Never,” he growled, trying to raise his hand again to call upon the power he had harnessed to bring so much destruction -

Now, please now, couldn’t it bring something else - _ this time, just this one, give me a different end _ \- 

“Ben,” Rey wheezed, her breath coming in quick gasps. “Don’t leave me.” Her hands were wet, scrabbling at his chest and neck, leaving trails of blood in their wake. “Don’t leave me.”

_ Don't leave me. _

“Don’t leave _ me _ ,” Kylo choked, shedding his gloves with his teeth before finally dropping his hands to hold her wandering ones. He needed to _ feel _ her - warm, alive. 

“I won’t,” she said, smiling as she told the kindest lie he’d ever heard. “I could… never.”

Her pulse threaded unevenly under his fingers. Time was short, and there was nothing he could do to stop the moments from speeding her away. Kylo dropped her hands, reached under her broken body to cradle her close. Rey threaded her hands into his doublet, leaning her heavy head against his shoulder. 

“I’m… sorry. Wasn’t careful,” she wheezed, breath bubbling in her chest. Kylo tightened his grip, burying his nose in her hair and breathing in the scent of her, _ alive _. “There’s so much to do -” 

“Stop. I don’t - just stop, Rey, please - if you’re quiet - just wait, they’re - help is coming for you. And we’ll do it. We’ll do it all. I’ll find us a ship -” Words tumbled from his mouth nonsensically, every molecule of his being fighting against the reality they both knew was coming.

“And we’ll see… the moons.” Rey grinned, a chilling flash of white teeth coated in red. “And you said… a waterfall.”

“All of them. Every single one, in the entire galaxy, Rey, I promise -” 

“I don’t want to leave you,” Rey whispered against his neck, the words barely ghosting across his skin before disappearing. “I don’t -”

“Then don’t. Be with me always - take any form - you’ll never be far enough away from me where I could not find you. I’ll come for you,” he murmured the words against her temple, against warm blood-streaked skin. “And I’ll never let you go.”

“Promise,” she whispered, and Kylo felt her smile against his neck.

“Promise,” he choked, bending his head down to press his forehead against hers. 

Rey turned, letting their lips brush in the faintest of kisses. “You’re so... warm.”

Her hands were blocks of ice against his chest, his clothes rapidly becoming soaked in the blood she continued to lose. Kylo bit back the sob that threatened to shake his body. Rey’s breaths were a phlegmy rattle, shallow and short, accompanied by a tiny trail of blood winding its way from the corner of her joined lips. A thousand empty words filled his mouth, vanishing even before he had the chance to set them free.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered instead, holding her lolling head closer. “I’m so sorry.”

If he had his saber, if he had more time to react, he could have ended this before it even began. She never should have -

Kylo felt the soft brush of Rey in his mind, the blue-light presence he craved like a drug. 

“My choice. Mine. You’re… mine.” Rey smiled, her eyes locking with Kylo’s for the last time. “You’re mine.”

The indelible lightness of Rey’s spirit fled her body, leaving her bones heavy in Kylo’s arms.

There was a monstrous howl; a keening sound more far fitting a wounded animal than a man. It accompanied the searing agony of the Force being ripped from his head, his chest, his bones. 

The Force, and Rey. 

He struggled to compose himself. Orienting to the empty husk he'd become was a nearly impossible task. All his senses were misaligned - no riotous river of Force, no tranquil lake that had been his sense of Rey. He was unmoored and adrift, dangerously lost in the waves of a life he no longer recognized.

He should run - he should take her, and run, and hide somewhere the First Order or the Resistance could never find them. But there was no _ them _ , it was only _ him _, and Kylo found himself incapable of caring about what happened to himself.

Kylo ran his fingers down the hollow of her cheek, smoothed away strands of hair stuck to her clammy skin. His bloodstained fingers slid Rey’s eyelids closed as they skimmed the planes of her face, a whispered entreaty for her to forgive him dissolving into a sob. 

He was unable to stare into the shallow darkness of Rey’s lifeless eyes any longer. But his grip on her body - that he could not relinquish. Kylo’s fingers dug into her skin hard enough to bruise, his chest rising and falling frantically because _ her _ chest would never again - 

The edges of his vision blurred and swam. Kylo was unable to focus on anything more than her bloodied skin, the muck matting her soft hair to her forehead. How she’d never raise a hand to brush it away. How her bloodless lips would never curve into a smile, her teeth would never flash in a wide laugh. 

How the first time he’d been able to hold her while in the light, her body was slack in death. 

And he thought he had been alone before.

Kylo struggled to master himself, willed his muscles to respond, his breathing to unstick - _ anything _ , he had to do _ something _ \- 

But he was still as a statue in the ruins of the battlefield, frozen in body and soul. 

How long Kylo remained in place was beyond his reckoning. Too long - but not long enough before the outside world came flooding back. A heavy hand appeared seemingly from nowhere and grasped his shoulder, dragged him backwards and nearly caused him to lose his hold on Rey’s body.

Kylo reacted on instinct alone, used the last tiny fragments of Force he possessed to crush the leg of his would-be assailant. A dark-haired man - the pilot, _ that _ pilot - fell to the ground in agony.

Too late, Kylo realized the man had been calling Rey’s name. 

He tried to force the words that described this awful tableau from his chest, an explanation, an apology - but nothing emerged. He gaped like a fish, watching in horror as others stumbled closer. 

They’d take her away. 

He wanted - _ needed _ \- to run, and glanced around wildly looking for an opportunity. Before he could stagger to his feet, another hand landed on his shoulder - gentle this time - and stilled him. A dark-haired woman appeared on his left, crouched before slumping to her knees in the mud. She gasped softly and said something too quiet for Kylo to hear, sliding her hand from his shoulder to rest on Rey’s calf. 

The woman looked directly at _ him _then, deep brown eyes full of regret and pain, but slowly mixing with something else - recognition.

“It_ was _ you. It was you all along.” Her eyes filled with tears, threatening to overspill any moment. 

Kylo found himself unable to break her gaze, even as Rey was removed from his grasp and his hands were shoved roughly into binders. He was stone-still, paralyzed. When unseen hands hauled him to his feet, he allowed himself to be led away without resistance. 

There was no more need for action. The only thing keeping him alive in the two years since usurping his abuser was gone. 

The last spark of hope he clung to had been extinguished. There was nothing left for him now.

Kylo slammed back into his body with a jolt, the lights above him snapping to life as the buzzing filled his ears once again. He rolled over slowly, stretched his stiff unused joints before hesitantly swinging his legs over the side of the slab to stand. Pins-and-needles vibrated through his calves, reluctantly reminding him that he was still alive.

The scent of his once-daily meal already filled the cell, and he knew from experience that it was no good cold. It was exactly in its expected place, the small square of floor where the durasteel door had been modified to fit a small sliding panel with an automatic release.

What was not in its expected place was the round face peering at him through the door’s lone barred window. Kylo stopped short and only just avoided slamming himself back down to his steel bench. It was strange to see her in this reality, having just left her in the last.

“Kylo,” she said simply, cocking her head to the side in a way that made her seem much younger than he supposed she actually was. “I was… do you need anything?”

He stared at her dumbly, unwilling and unable to form the words to reply to such a ridiculous question. There was nothing he needed in this maker-forsaken galaxy that she could give him. 

“I just want to help.” she adds. 

Again, Kylo maintained his steady gaze but refused to conjure an answer. When a few moments passed with nothing said, she nodded her head sharply and turned to leave.

_ Shuffle-tap, shuffle tap - _ a creak of a door - and she was gone.

Kylo ate the provided slop in silence, focused on scraping the bowl so that nothing remained of the horrific substance. Absently he wondered why it mattered. Keeping himself alive was hardly a priority.

After depositing the tray back in its designated place, Kylo stumbled from the door to the open privy and finally slumped back down on his slab, his muscles shaking with the effort of these few steps.

He lay on his back as the room spun. The great crackling tubes above him that generated the strange light in his cell blurred and swam together. Kylo closed his eyes, fighting against the rising bile. 

The buzzing gradually grew louder, and the insects resumed their tunneling in his brain. As conscious thought slipped away, a misfire of some synapse reminded him that her name was Rose. Kylo worried the word around in his brain, tried to commit it to his addled memory as the light and noise took him away from himself.

Poe and Rose.

———

“This cannot continue, Poe.”

“Well, good morning to you too, Rose. And may I say, what a ray of _ sunshine _ you are today.”

“Shut up. Just - shut up, Poe. He’s _ sick _.”

“Who, Finn?”

“No, not - and fuck your deliberate obtuseness, you know I mean Kylo Ren.”

“Why should anyone give half a bantha shit what happens to that fucker?”

“You know damn well why -”

“You have no proof that was him, Rose. Idle speculation and a gut feeling will not convince the galaxy and it’s sure as shit not convincing me.”

“If I could get him to talk to me - which, by the way, would probably be easier if he got more than one meal a day - I bet he’d tell a different tale.”

“He’d say anything to save his skin.”

“...You haven’t actually _ looked _ at him recently, have you? You march yourself down there, you shut off the light, and you don’t even bother to look at him, which is ostensibly the _ entire point _ of that exercise -”

“Why should I?”

“Fuck you, Poe. This conversation isn’t over. I’m not going to let us stoop to the level of the First Order when it comes to the treatment of prisoners.”

“War criminals, Ms. Tico. And don’t you have something mechanical to go fix, somewhere? You’ve still got an oil stain on that fancy robe. Your true colors are showing.”

“..._ Fuck _ you, Poe Dameron.” 


	2. and in the dark, i can hear your heartbeat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> continued thanks to [ theselittlethings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theselittlethings/pseuds/theselittlethings), and also to [ ibecomeaffinity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ibecomeaffinity/) for their friendship and support.

_ “I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map _ __   
_ And knew that somehow I could find my way back _ __   
_ Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too _ _   
_ __ So I stayed in the darkness with you.”

_ Cosmic Love, Florence + The Machine _

Kylo waited out the final minutes of light in the same silence he began them. The closing of these artificial days brought a gnawing dread, even as some twisted part of him longed to see Rey’s face. The pale shadow of her former self was better than nothing at all. 

There could never be a real way to steel himself in preparation for lying next to the apparition of the woman he loved every night, of touching her and being touched by her and having it feel  _ so real _ \- only to know deep in his bones that it was all a lie.

And then to be thrown back into the worst moment of his miserable existence, to hold her broken body together in his arms, to watch her bleed and struggle and draw her last breaths against his chest  _ over and over _ \- 

It was the sort of scenario that drove men to madness. Kylo ached for the days of regular nightmares, of his uncle’s face illuminated by a green lightsaber, of Snoke’s rasping voice commanding him to kill like a trained dog set off the leash.

At least those images he could banish.

_ Shuffle-tap, shuffle-tap  _ resounded from down the hallway, and Kylo resigned himself to the beginning of the blackness. 

At least it was her tonight. The gears turned in his brain, shuffling her name forward begrudgingly along the new pathway he had forged:  _ Rose _ . 

At least he’d have a smattering of true human contact before returning to the hellscape of demons and distortions that he seemed unable to wake from. He wondered idly how much longer he could go on without true sleep. 

The electronic beep sounded out over the buzzing, echoing loudly in the small space. Kylo rolled to his side, putting his back to the window and door. He closed his eyes in anticipation of the light vanishing and Rey’s features materializing in the mirror-bright metal of his cell wall.

Somehow, he didn’t think he could stand watching her swim up from the afterlife to reach for him.

But instead of the usual clunk of the heavy handle, there was a metallic scraping along the far wall.

Kylo’s eyes flew open of their own accord, and he squinted at brightness he had not expected to find.

“You need to eat. Maker, I can count your ribs from here.”

Kylo stiffened, but did not move to acknowledge Rose or what he presumed to be a second tray of food slid under the door. Unlike the morning’s rations, this smelled almost appetizing. 

Moments passed - the usual buzzing of the light coupled with the soft subconscious noises that another human makes seemed louder than thunderbolts. They flooded Kylo’s brain, the overload on his taxed senses making it hard to breathe. After three months of nearly non-existent contact with others, Rose’s well-meant invasion into this space was overwhelming. 

But the smell of the extra food proved to be a more powerful motivator than he had anticipated. Another silent minute ticked by before he hauled himself from the bench. After jerking unsteadily to his feet and resettling the rags he wore around his torso, he shuffled the few steps to the door and the tray. Kylo kept his eyes to the ground, watching his bare feet smack against the cold surface - not daring to look up and pay witness to whatever expression was written on Rose’s face. 

It was just a sandwich, sliced meat stuffed into a hard roll, but it smelled as resplendent as a five course meal. Kylo’s stomach rumbled uneasily as his paranoid senses screeched for him to leave it alone, but he knelt to retrieve it all the same. He kept his eyes cast down, continuing to ignore the fact that Rose was watching his every move. Kylo almost had half the thing in his mouth before she spoke again. 

“I know who you are,” she said quietly, “and I know what you’ve done.” There was a fidgeting sound, the brush of skin over rough metal echoing in the cell.

Kylo shut his eyes, bracing for the inevitable wave of anger that would soon cascade in his direction. The roll soured on his tongue, and he swallowed it reflexively. 

But Rose’s voice was clear and steady as she continued, holding no trace of malice. “And… I intend to prove it. You are the real reason the First Order was defeated, Kylo. You and Rey. I know that as well as I know my own name.” 

Kylo’s blood ran cold, and he set the rest of the roll on the tray. 

“I’ll be damned before I see you waste away in this cell when by all rights you should be recognized as the one who -”

“No,” Kylo managed to ground out between gritted teeth. His voice was cracked and rough with disuse, a low growl instead of fine velvet, but his intentions were crystal clear. 

To her credit, Rose was nonplussed by his refusal. In fact, she seemed to expect it. “It’s not like I’m asking you to assume control of the galaxy, Kylo. Maker - could you imagine?” A hollow chuckle. “But I won’t let you die in here with your name dragged through the mud. You deserve more than that. And honestly… so does  _ she _ .” 

Kylo found he couldn’t argue. She deserved everything - so much more than what she had gotten in the end. 

Rose cleared her throat, shuffling awkwardly in place. Her fingers worried a hidden object at her breastbone, supported by a thick black cord around her neck. Kylo realized that had been the source of the noise earlier, and wondered what it could mean to her. He knew a touchstone when he saw one.

She caught his gaze, dropping the unseen pendant and admonishing him with a pointed finger. “You better eat - you’re not starving on my watch. And if you won’t tell me where to look - well, it will just have to take me longer then, won’t it? But I’ll find you out all the same.” 

This promise was administered in an oddly chipper tone, dripping with cheer and backed in steel. He found it impossible to doubt her resolve. 

That didn’t mean he needed to help her along, though. There was little point in changing his circumstances. He desired no comforts, and surely had done nothing to deserve them. 

And Rey - no matter the thousands of things she had been during life, now she was dead. There was surely no room for vainglorious recognition in the landscape of wherever she resided now.

As far as himself - well, he was  _ exactly _ where he belonged. Starving, and in rags.

The truth did not always set one free, and sometimes the past must die. He was content to be the villain in their history. It was true enough. 

Rose exhaled, seemingly understanding that she would get nothing further from him. “There’s a flashlamp on that tray. It’s yours to use as you like. It’s no great joy to eat in the dark. And if you don’t tell me what you want me to bring you, well… I suppose you’ll just have to put up with me guessing.” 

He didn’t want to be her charity case. Kylo wanted to be left alone. The light was snapped off before he could muster a reply, and Rose’s footsteps receded down the hallway almost cheerfully. He listened to the door shut with a  _ snick _ , letting his eyes adjust to the blackness. 

It was odd to greet the darkness on his feet instead of lying in wait for it. He could just barely make out the flashlamp’s silhouette on the tray, its unfamiliar shape sitting innocently next to the pitcher of water. Shaking hands grabbed it up, curled to hold it steady against his chest as he took the two steps to the privy and three to the slab. 

Kylo half-expected to find _ her _ waiting for him. But the wall appeared as blank as ever, no ethereal vision of her lingered there. He settled himself down, tucking the unlit lamp against his chest and lying with his left hand against the place she usually appeared. 

Moments passed. Silence reigned. He allowed himself to close his eyes. 

A heartbeat - then two, then three. 

_ Ben - _

Kylo snapped to attention, his hand moving reflexively against the wall. His fingers brushed her shoulder, twining of their own accord around a loose piece of hair. 

_ Don’t leave me, _ she whispered. Her blue hand reached for him, settled against his cheek and brushed down his jaw in a motion repeated a hundred times in death, a thousand times in life. 

“I won’t,” Kylo said softly, moving his hand from her damp hair to her frozen cheek. “I would never.”

She smiled at him, true and genuine.  _ I’m so cold - let me in.  _ She moved to trace his scar, a cold finger warming the rippled skin. 

_ “ _ Always, _ ”  _ Kylo intoned, closing his eyes to brace himself for the rush of muddy ground that always followed his acceptance of her. 

But this time, instead of the jarring scent of mire and death he had been expecting, there was simply a kiss - warm and loving, planted with care on the bridge of his nose. His tensed muscles slackened on their own accord, and Kylo opened his eyes in surprise. 

Rey’s gaze flowed with a warmth he hadn’t seen in her since - well,  _ since _ ; her cold fingers brushed the spot her lips had touched with extreme care. She opened her mouth to say something, her mouth quirked at the corners - and that’s when his face impacted the mud, and the nightmare began anew. 

———

“I talked to Poe today.”

“Did you? How  _ fascinating _ , Finn.”

“I did. It was an interesting conversation.”

“I’m sure it was.”

“Rosie -”

“Don’t ‘Rosie’ me, Finn. You know I’m right.”

“All I heard was that you told Poe to go fuck himself. Twice.”

“Of course that’s what he’d take away from the conversation. Finn, I swear -” 

“Is this about Kylo and Rey again?”

“Finn -” 

“ _ Damn _ it, Rose, why can’t you just leave it alone?”

“Are you  _ seriously _ telling me to drop this when a man’s life is hanging in the balance? You’re better than that, Finn.”

“His life was forfeit the moment Rey died. She was the only one who could exonerate him. He doesn’t seem interested in fighting for himself. It’s been over three months with hardly a word from him, much less about his activities during the conflict.”

“Would  _ you _ be so willing to offer up information when you’ve been thrown in a cell without so much as a chance to explain?”

“He has a chance every morning and every evening, Rose. He doesn’t want to explain. He’s not interested. He’s halfway to a corpse himself, it’s almost like he’s waiting for permission to lay down and die. Maybe we should just give it to him. Let him join Rey, wherever she is now.”

“Is that how you want history to remember us? No better than the First Order?”

“We are  _ lightyears _ away from First Order standards of prisoner upkeep -” 

“Watery gruel once a day, no expectation of privacy, no shoes or blankets or even clothes that aren’t still covered in blood from a battlefield?  _ Her _ blood? Did he even get a basic medical exam before he was shoved in a hole to die?”

“I can see you’re upset about this, Rose.”

“Don’t - Finn, just don’t. I don’t need you to placate me. I need you to open your eyes and  _ trust _ me when I say that we’re about to be on the wrong side of history if we don’t find out exactly who Rey was talking to inside the First Order. You know as well as I do that it’s the only reason we were able to -”

“Fine - fine.  _ Fine _ ! It’s important. I’ll grant you that. But it’s going to be impossible with Rey gone. Her datapad was all but destroyed when -”

“All  _ but _ . This is the first I’ve heard of this. Where is it? Where  _ is it _ , Finn? It’s a big galaxy, someone is bound to be able to get in it, destroyed or not.”

“Poe -”

“Finn, if you’re about to tell me that  _ Poe-fucking-Dameron _ has had Rey’s datapad this entire time, I’m going to murder him.”

“Rosie, let's think about this for a second -”

“Oh, I have. Many seconds. About seven in fact. And I’ve already decided on a course of action.”

“Rose…”

“Don’t wait up, Finn. Leftovers are in the conservator, I know you’re smart enough to heat them up. I’ll be back later.”

———

Kylo was thrown back into his body with a gasp. He sucked in air, willing his heart to settle into some semblance of a pattern again. It resisted his attempts at calming, opting instead to continue racing like his life depended on it. 

Maybe it did. 

His stomach roiled; regret at even attempting to eat the roll last night welled up inside him along with the bile. Swinging heavy legs over the side of his slab, Kylo lurched to the privy just in time to avoid any unpleasant backscatter. 

The cool metal of the wall was soothing against his cheek, and he slumped against it after emptying his stomach into the bowl. His hands shook, and he found some relief by carding his fingers together and folding them against his thigh. His nose and lungs burned with every breath he took. 

It felt good to rest his aching eyes in the darkness, where it didn’t matter if they were opened or shut - it was all the same to him. 

Kylo remained on his knees as Rose’s footfalls filled the corridor. There was a moment where he briefly considered attempting to resume his usual position on what passed for a bed, but the wobbling in his legs made the floor an easy choice. 

Something in his gut told him that the time for pretext had finally passed. He was tired - so tired. 

_ So close.  _

His eyes flew open as the blood in his veins froze. Kylo cast his gaze around wildly, looking in every nook and cranny of the cell - for what? 

Her?

Of course there was nothing there. 

Having found nothing of note, his eyes settled on the ceiling with an exhale. His heart continued to race, galloping along with useless adrenaline. 

Of course he was alone. 

Kylo flinched at the sudden snap of light, making the mistake of looking directly at the bare tubes as they crackled to life. He heard the meal tray slide into his cell, smelled the meat and warm bread before he opened his eyes. The tray with its bowl of fruit and tin plate of crisped meat swam into focus slowly, almost reluctantly. 

“Well, that’s new,” Rose quipped, shuffling her feet outside his door. “Haven't seen you down there before.”

A soft thud and something else was toed through the small opening. It slid across the floor, coming to rest against his thigh. 

Kylo’s eyes finally adjusted. The soft green of the standard-issue blanket was a comforting sight. 

“I’ve been looking for clean clothes for you, but to be honest you’re a hard man to fit.” There was almost a chuckle in her words. “Suppose the blanket is better than nothing.”

Kylo raised his head, surprised at how much effort the simple gesture took. It was already pounding, the half-healed scab where the Force had been ripped from him pulsating in time with the buzzing light. He made eye contact with Rose through the barred window, watched her flinch but straighten herself to meet his gaze. She raised her chin almost imperceptibly. 

Was the sight of him so awful? Or was it simply the memories of the monstrous things he had done that caused her to want to look away?

“Why?” His voice was a cracked grumble and Kylo hated how it sounded. Weak, pathetic. 

“Why what?” Rose challenged. Her dark eyes found his and held them, unblinking. Kylo looked away first without managing a reply. 

Rose barreled forward anyway. “The  _ why _ is the simplest part of this equation. I have to be able to look back on my life and live with the choices I’ve made. And I decided that I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t try to fix… this.”

“I didn't ask for your help.” Kylo mulled over the words as they were ground out, wondering why he said  _ ask _ instead of  _ want _ . 

“No. But Rey was… my friend. And I can’t - regardless of whatever truth is behind all this, I can’t imagine that she would be happy with these… circumstances. I’m doing it for her.” Rose’s voice was equal parts determined and unsure, full of things unsaid. 

Kylo had gotten very good at reading between the lines.

_ I can't imagine that she would have let you hold her, broken and bleeding in her final moments if you didn’t mean something to her.  _

She was perceptive, this one. She  _ wanted _ to see what lurked beneath the surface. She wanted the truth - no matter if the truth was, perhaps, not the set of facts that she herself would have chosen. 

And she had been Rey’s friend.

Kylo nodded. He could accept that reasoning. Everything he had done since murdering his former master was motivated by the same impetus - it had been for  _ her _ . 

“I’ve got her datapad now.” Rose stated this casually, as if remarking on a particularly pleasant day. “I took it from Poe late last night. It’s broken… it's  _ very _ broken, but it’s a great big galaxy out there full of people who can do things I can’t even begin to understand. Someone, somewhere, can get the data off this thing and I’m going to find them.”

Kylo could have opened his mouth then. Could have told Rose about the layers and the passkeys and the hidden program with its encryption and messages written in a code only the two of them understood. If she could get it to boot, he could get her in. Paint a picture of what they did the last two years. Maybe some part of him even wanted to. 

But the words refused to form, the thoughts swimming around his addled mind with no direction or purpose. He stared at the green blanket instead, feeling like he was trying to remember something just out of his reach. 

The wound in his mind that had once been Rey  _ burned _ . 

Rose sighed. Kylo twisted his head minutely, just enough to watch as she rubbed her hands across her eyes. His fingers found the edge of the blanket, worried the thick material. The sensation sent a jolt through the pit of his stomach, skittering across the space in his mind that had once been hers and hers alone. 

He looked up, willing the words to come, even as they remained just a heartbeat away. Taunting him. Rose met his gaze and held it. 

This time she was the one to look away first. 

“I need to… I need to go. I’ll leave you to your breakfast, and I’ll make sure the food you’re given from now on is tastier - and double what you got before.”

Kylo dipped his head, acknowledging the gesture. It was...  _ kind _ of her. He was not so far gone that he couldn’t appreciate her intentions, even if he knew more than half of what was on the tray would remain uneaten. 

Rose’s eyes softened. “If you think of anything at all, Kylo… now's the time.” 

He hated the hope in her voice. He hated the fact that his words betrayed him and that she would send herself across the galaxy for nothing. Kylo looked away. 

Rose hesitated for only a moment longer, understanding that she would get nowhere further with him. 

“Goodbye, Kylo.”

The creaking of a heavy door. 

_ Shuffle-tap. Shuffle-tap.  _

Kylo was once more alone. He stared at the plate of food and the blanket and the smooth cold floor. For once his thoughts were louder than the buzzing of the light. 

——-

“Maz? Hey, it’s Rose. Yeah, it’s good to hear from you too, you sound great…

No, no, Finn’s  _ fine _ , he’s - yeah, that’s close enough.

Listen, I need a favor. Do you know anyone who could fix a broken datapad?

No, I… I really can’t just get a new one.

How broken? Well, I mean, it’s pretty shattered. I just need the data off of it, really.

Great. Tell him I’ll be there as soon as I can. Thanks, Maz. Oh, and tell Chewie I said hi.”

——-

It had been a week since Rose left. A week filled with uneasy stares from the litany of strangers taking over her duties - apparently the pilot had recused himself from the daily drudgery. So much the better that none of the faces repeated their tasks more than once - none would bear witness to the increased indignities he suffered. 

On the fourth morning, he vomited blood. 

By the seventh, he heard the screech of the tray and refused to even turn his head. Kylo remained with his head pillowed on the blanket, inhaling the faint scent of old soap while trying to remember exactly what he lost.

That wasn’t true. He knew what he had lost. He’d lost the sensation of soft lips under his fingertips, the press of hips against his own. The smell of rain through a dirty camp blanket, the shiver of two wet bodies huddled together during a desert storm. The sunshine of a smile. Laughter.

Perhaps above all, he lost hope. 

When her face materialized next to his own that night, he could no longer bring himself to recite those tired replies. The light of life in her eyes was a cruel reminder of how things  _ should have been _ . 

What was he  _ really _ supposed to say to a ghost, anyway? 

At his silence, a frown creased her features. She reached for him with her bloodstained hands, cradled the back of his head and tugged him close. Kylo allowed himself to be pulled in, bracing himself for the scent of rot and blood that he knew would replace the dry dirt and sweat he had come to associate with her. 

But it was sand after rain, instead. 

_ You’re so close. So close, Ben.  _

Hot warm breath against his hair. 

And then it was the crackling red light, and the mud, and the need to  _ move _ as his confusion gave way to muscle memory. He tumbled away from the killing stroke of the vibro-blade, watching Rey vault over him - 

Alive. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi to me on [ Twitter](https://twitter.com/weddersins)!


	3. and the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me

_“In the arms of the ocean, so sweet and so cold _

_And all this devotion, well, I never knew at all _

_And the questions I have for a sinner released _

_In the arms of the ocean deliver me.” _

_Never Let Me Go, Florence + The Machine_

“Rose?”

“Hey, Finn. Sorry it’s been a while since -”

“That’s not why I’m calling, Rosie - but Maker, it’s been nearly three weeks since... never mind. You need to come back.”

“I can’t - we’re so close here, maybe just another day -”

“You don’t have another day, Rose. You need to come back.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I took my turn with your charity case this morning. You need to come home on the next freighter, with or without what you went there for. You’ll face Poe either way, but perhaps if you hurry -”

“I’m coming. And Finn?”

“Yeah, Rosie?”

“...Thanks.”

——-

Kylo lay in darkness, unable and unwilling to open his eyes. The fire raging in his bones sapped him of any strength he had left, his muscles seizing and shaking with any attempted movement. The pounding in his skull long ago eclipsed the buzzing of the light. He was no longer able to keep track of the hours and days as they swam together into a black painful blur. 

He was unaware if his steady stream of observers continued, if they performed their task of bringing food and light. A small part of him wondered if Rose found what she had been looking for. Most of him realized it no longer mattered. 

He saw - or sensed, more accurately - Rey more often than he didn’t. She hovered at the edges of his awareness, a calming specter in a sea of nightmares. Occasionally she was beside him; perhaps the light pressure on his shoulder was her hand resting there - Kylo couldn't truly say. She was a transient glimmer in the darkness, her touch as permanent as smoke. 

_ So close _ , he thought. 

The only times he truly felt her were as she pulled him back into the mud. 

_ So close _ , she’d whisper - a benediction, a warning - but Kylo would struggle to his feet and repeat the nightmare by rote each time. Each time he failed, he still fell back into his own body with his muscles aching and tears staining his cheeks. 

Indeterminate hours of fevered hallucinations passed him by. The wound of raw Force oozed and stung, the broken bits of his soul weeping for  _ her _ . 

He was impossibly tired. 

When Rey next lay her warm hands on his freezing cheek, Kylo forced his eyes open. She was a beacon in the darkness he couldn’t swim out of; radiant and alive, with no trace of the grave. 

_ So close, Ben.  _ She smiled, thumb running along the ridge of his scar. Her touch left him burning, but he leaned into it all the same. Rey cupped his cheek for a moment, thumb continuing to soothe the mark she’d given him. She raked her fingers through his lank hair, smoothing it back from where it had fallen around his face. 

“I miss you,” Kylo said, capturing her hand with his. He tried to ignore how much it shook. 

_ I’m right here _ . She smiled; so alive. 

“No - no, you aren’t.” Kylo hated how his voice broke, how badly he wanted to be wrong. “You aren’t, and it's my fault.”

Rey smiled again, leaned down to kiss his parched mouth. Kylo drank her in, gripped her shirt to pull her close. The fistful of cloth from her tunic felt strangely here and  _ not _ at the same time. A handful of dust. He shivered, cold and tired to the very marrow of his bones. 

_ So cold, Ben.  _

Rey curled herself around him, arms winding around his torso and legs tangling with his just as they had many times before. They melted together, and the odd feeling of firm nothingness was somehow wonderful. Kylo lost himself in the memory of her scent, breathing deeply and wishing for what should have been. 

_ You’re so close _ , Rey whispered against his cheek, burying her nose in his tangled hair. Blunt nails drew circles on his shoulder blades, dipped down to skim the bumps of his rib-bones. Her warm breath skittered along the back of Kylo’s neck and he shuddered. 

_ The night is long - but it’s nearly dawn. Come home, Ben. Come home with me.  _

Kylo didn't know how to respond - how could he, when logic told him Rey was dead and home was nowhere? Instead he nudged his face in the crook of her neck. He breathed in the scent of her, so  _ alive _ . Tears pricked the corners of his eyes and Kylo let them fall without shame. 

Her hands resumed their soothing patterns against his back, as if Rey could sense what was left unsaid. 

_ You’ve been wandering for so long.  _

“I’ve been wandering forever.”

_ Just wait,  _ she said gently _ . I’ll show you forever. Come with me - come home.  _

Kylo wanted to weep. The weariness in his bones was suddenly unbearable, and the only thing he could think of was spending the rest of his days in Rey’s embrace. But the blackness around him began to run with muddy color, and Kylo felt the pull and tug of the nightmare again. 

_ You can stop running now, Ben.  _

Kylo found himself standing - a significant change from his usual method of arrival, face-first into the muck. The warmth of Rey’s arms around his torso left him once he stepped forward. 

As his sense of her faded, his understanding grew. The final piece of the puzzle settled into place, as if someone had left it there for him to find. A curse fell from his mouth, unbidden - the pain he could have saved himself if only he had simply  _ thought _ . 

The answer had been staring him in the face all along. He had the power to stop it since the beginning. 

Now, at the end, he understood. There was an exchange. He’d watched life take, and take, and take. 

And now - now he had to give. 

Kylo straightened himself and the battle raging around him fell muted and dull. He ignored the red crack of the vibro-blade, focused only on the figure of a woman in rags barreling across the battlefield. Fierce and beautiful and so alive. 

The world around him slowed.

Without hesitation Kylo gathered the Force to him, let it spill over till the air about him fizzled and burned. With all the strength in his bones, he called the energy into his palms and swung his arms out before him. The fires of the Force pulsated and raged, and he pushed Rey as far away as possible.

She slid through the mud yards away utterly unharmed, and Kylo felt nothing but relief. 

One way or another, things were different now.

The world spun into its normal rhythm, the sound coming back with a scream. Kylo refused to look at the trooper to his left, focusing only on Rey’s face as it ran from anger to surprise to horror. He didn’t even feel the blade as it entered his back - only a strange warmth and then a sense of being oddly exposed.

Rey scrambled for traction in the muck, screaming and struggling for the blaster still strapped to her thigh. Her fingers were faster than her legs, a red bolt taking down the trooper now beside him. 

He watched the man and his weapon fall to the ground and felt nothing.

Kylo sank to his knees, looking not unlike a felled tree as he awkwardly slumped into the mud. He tried to haul himself to his feet, but his arms and legs refused to listen. Everything was wet - wet and cold and pure  _ agony _ . 

_ Ben - come with me.  _

“Rey?” His voice was thick -  _ why was it thick? _ He coughed and blood mingled with the air in his lungs. “Rey?” he cried again, a slight edge of desperation creeping into his tone when he realized the world had faded to grey and black. 

_ Come with me, Ben. Leave it all behind you at last.  _

Kylo blinked his eyes and a blurry Rey was kneeled before him, catching him awkwardly as his body suddenly became too heavy to support. Searing pain twisted through his back as he moved, and Kylo couldn’t suppress an agonized cry as already-torn muscle was further stretched. His shattered ribs ground together with each weak inhalation; his legs were a dead weight stretched akimbo beside a trail of blood. Each breath burned. 

But she was here. She was here and  _ alive _ and holding him - and he’d done it, he’d broken the cycle. 

He was free. 

“Ben - Ben, oh please - don’t move, just…” Rey was babbling with a frenetic energy he recognized all too well. Kylo couldn’t share her panic. Everything was muted and oddly calm. 

He was right where he was meant to be. 

Kylo smiled up at her, wanting desperately to have Rey share his peace. Instead he watched her choke back a sob. He knew this pain, the unique feeling of knowing half your soul was about to be ripped away. 

_ Come with me, Ben. We’re free.  _

Rey’s voice again. But not the Rey beside him, her hand on his chest and her legs stained with his blood - this was the voice that haunted him at night, called to him from the fabric of the universe. 

_ The dawn has broken. Come with me.  _

Rey - the Rey who was stroking his face with a bloodied hand, casting her eyes around desperately as she called for a medic - was saying something he couldn’t hear, her mouth out of sync with the words echoing in his head. 

_ You’re free, Ben. You’re free.  _

The Rey kneeling with him in the mud was crying, tears streamed down her face. The Rey in his mind was happy, at peace. Warm and welcoming and  _ oh _ how he wanted...

Kylo reached for Rey with a shaky hand, she caught it with her warm one and pressed it to her cheek. Warm and wet and alive. Her chest heaved while his shuddered, her deep breaths far outpacing his shallow ones. 

Her mouth moved, but the words flew away. Instead Kylo’s attention was drawn to the skies behind Rey’s head, to the fireworks of ships being destroyed in the darkening sky. The carcasses of great Star Destroyers sizzled and burned as they fell, leaving fiery trails in the outer atmosphere. 

Their trap worked. The fleet was gone. 

He’d never realized that until now. 

Kylo had lain in this mud a hundred times looking down, and only  _ now _ had he seen the fruits of their labors. Just like they planned. It  _ worked _ . All their years of subterfuge - the result burned in the skies above them, a beautiful display of victory. Death that feeds new life. 

She had to see it. She had to  _ know _ . 

“Rey - look. Look. We d… did it. We  _ won _ .” His breath wheezed and bubbled. Something warm and wet rolled down his chin, but the pain in his back had faded to a negligible throb. 

Her only response was a sob that ran through her body and into his. Kylo ached to hold her. 

Why wouldn’t his arms obey him? Why couldn’t he tug her down beside him, tell her what he wanted to say? 

It was so cold. 

“Rey…” His voice was a creaky whisper and what he wanted - what he  _ needed _ to say was a shout. He was so tired. 

_ Ben, come with me.  _

He was no longer sure who called him, but a bright blue fire roared in the corner of his mind always reserved for  _ her _ . It felt good to sense her there once more.

Kylo struggled to open his eyes, to bring himself back into his body. It was growing dark, but no night he’d ever known had fallen so quickly. 

A bleary vision of Rey was silhouetted by the destruction in the sky, his avenging angel given her halo at last. She looked so tired, so sad. She shouldn’t be - not for him;  _ please Rey, not for me -  _

She sobbed, bit her lip to keep her body still, holding back the grief that threatened to overrun her. “Ben, please don’t go. Please stay with me. Be with me always -” 

Kylo’s eyes flew open, a jolt of fear running through him at the familiar words spilling forth. “No,” he ground out “No. You... go.”

“Never,” Rey growled, her fingers gripping his hand in a manner that would have been painful if Kylo had any sensation left. “I won’t leave you.” 

A particularly bright explosion in the sky illuminated her tear-stained face, the agony and panic in her eyes knifing through his heart. 

She had to  _ understand _ . Kylo wouldn’t let her live in the hell he had just come through. She had to let him go - he wouldn’t condemn her to be haunted for the rest of her days, slowly driven into madness. 

“You don’t… have a choice. Go. Be  _ free _ .” 

“This wasn’t how it was supposed to be,” Rey cried, a hot tear falling from her face to land in his hair. T he world grew impossibly small, the only things Kylo could focus on were her face and hands . They were the last things tethering him to reality - and it was everything Kylo could have asked for. He smiled. 

“Yes. It is. Go find… the waterfalls. The moons.”

_ Leave your grief behind you.  _

“Not without you.” Rey’s voice was thick with tears. “You promised. You have to  _ keep  _ your _ promise _ , Ben,  _ please _ -”

_ Come with me.  _

This time Rey’s proper voice was right beside him. It enveloped him, caressed him, welcomed him. And Kylo knew he was ready to follow, to bask in her warmth till the end of time. 

“I’m here. I’m coming,” Kylo wheezed, feeling his hand fall away from Rey’s beautifully dirty face as she faded from view. 

“I’ll go with you.”

Kylo was surprised to discover that dying felt nothing like he had imagined. There was no bright light, no sense of falling asleep. His life didn’t replay before his eyes, no ancestors reached for him with open arms. Instead it simply felt like he had grown too large for his body to contain, and it was a relief to step outside of it. 

Kylo Ren exhaled in the mud, but Ben Solo was caught up in the air. He was a mighty ocean, he had become more eternal than the stones themselves. He found himself in the wind along an empty plain, stretching in the spaces between stars. 

And everywhere he was, there  _ she _ was too. A bright blue ribbon of Force chasing beside him, a playful waterfall crashing down. They twined together in the vastness of space, time pulled to infinity before them. They were ineffable, immutable, immortal; newly joined with the cycle of life in the Force and the fabric of the universe. 

They were everywhere and nowhere; they were inseparable and  _ together _ . Ben had never known such a perfect peace.


	4. epilouge - for everything that life was worth

_ “And only time can make you_

_ The wind that blows away the leaves” _

_ Mid Air, Paul Buchanan  _

Rose followed the same path to work and back every day without fail. It was ostensibly the prettiest path, which is why Finn assumed she walked it. She spent most of it strolling beside a winding river, broad stones dotting its middle with tall fragrant trees drinking along its banks. The buildings she wound between were ancient, constructed in architectural styles long since fallen from memory. It was a route shared by many and Rose could easily lose herself in the crowd. 

It was also the longest path, which is why Poe assumed she took it. 

But neither assumption was correct. There was one reason and one reason alone that prompted Rose to walk these streets every day. And she decided long ago she’d never share her reasoning with either man. 

Alongside of the burbling river there was a small monument, hastily erected by a grateful galaxy that swore it was only a temporary structure. The ten years that passed since its installation told a story of a government that was still too busy picking up the pieces to have the luxury of reflection. In fact, it felt almost forgotten by anyone other than Rose. 

She felt oddly responsible for it, as if she herself were a tomb for the memories it held. So Rose walked past it every day, letting her hand brush along the letters carved into the base as she remembered. 

_ Kylo Ren _ , her fingers found.  _ Rey of Jakku. _

During the first years of her self-imposed memorial, Rose couldn’t touch these names without the images of their twisted mangled bodies bearing their strangely mirrored, equally fatal wounds springing unbidden into her mind’s eye. She worked so hard to shut out that memory.

But lately only flashes broke through, occasionally interspersed with an image of an emaciated body lying lifeless on a metal slab. It was something she had yet to reconcile within herself, or to admit to anyone else. It simply didn’t line up with reality - the reality she knew. She had  _ been _ there. 

Kylo Ren and Rey died on the battlefield during the stormtroopers' rebellion, felled by the same weapon wielded by one of the elite Praetorian guards who refused to turn against the First Order. She knew this with an immutable certainty, as Rose had been the one to find them. 

It had been the night the fleet burned, and Rose’s mind still illuminated them by the explosions in the sky. Rey’s datapad was clutched in her left hand, unlocked and undamaged, announcing their subterfuge to the galaxy. Her right hand had been held in Kylo’s. Their bodies were slumped together in the mud, tangled in a mockery of a lover’s embrace. 

Rose stood in ankle-deep mud and stared for what felt like an eternity. Her mind struggled with the image before her as if it had once been something  _ else _ . 

But Rose didn’t like to remember them that way. She tried to remember the sun in Rey’s smile, the quiet glances toward dark corners that Rose always found odd. Glances that even ten years down the road made her wonder exactly what she had been missing. 

A decade had passed in a blur. Rose long ago realized that she would never have the answers she sought. 

She could only go forward. There was no turning back. 

Rose’s hand left the cold stone, falling down to her side as she resumed walking to the capitol building a few blocks away. She allowed her mind to turn from the past to the future, musing over the policy meeting ahead of her. 

There was still so much to be done. 

Rose walked on, an errant breeze stirring her hair and nipping at the edges of her coat. The sun shone on the flat stones in the river, the small waterfall they formed laughing and babbling as it flowed past. The wind rustled the tall grass along the banks, disturbed the blossoms on the trees. 

It ebbed and flowed like the tide, the breath of the universe and all it contained rising with it.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi to me on [ Twitter](https://twitter.com/weddersins).


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